I couldn't stay away
by Inphemera
Summary: A story set in the Marauders era starting at the end of their fifth year. A romance story between Severus Snape and Lily Evans, "Snape's worst memory" having a very different outcome.
1. Here comes the summer sun

Hello everyone! So this is the first story that I publish here even though I have been reading and writting for a very long while. I hope that you all like this and I ook forward to your comments and reviews. I will try to upload a chapter if not every day at least every two days.

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Of course, I do not own these wonderful characters.

**Summary: **A story set in the Marauders era starting at the end of their fifth year. A romance story between Severus Snape and Lily Evans, "Snape's worst memory" having a very different outcome.

Chapter 1 - Here comes the summer sun

Severus was sitting on the corner of his room, reading some book to which he could not even remember the title. It was probably something on charms. His eyes followed the lines in the pages, but his brain was not receiving any sort of information.

It was the first day of the summer vacations of his fifth year. Things are home were sort of good for the moment. Somehow, her mother managed to maintain calm during the first days that Severus spent with his parents so as he would feel more at home. But of course, he did not feel at home. Home was Hogwarts... wasn't it?

Home is supposed to be the place where you feel save and good. During the last year, things at the school have started to become much more complicated and he was not sure he felt save anymore.

Problems with the stupid "rather be brawny than brainy" Gryffindors had increased with their puberty, since apparently joking about his nose and hair make them look more manly or something. On top of that, the forces of You-Know-Who were becoming stronger and rumours of recruitment have started spreading around the Slytherin dungeons. Not that all of this worried him much of course.

The reason for his lack of concentration was one of another sort. It was of course, Lily. Who else? In a display of absolute lost of common sense he had decided that it was a good idea to write her a letter on the last day of school. And not the "I will miss you during the vacations don't forget to write me" sort. No. Because they would be seeing each other, given they lived in the same neighbourhood. It was more on the lines of the "I cannot live without you". What was he thinking about? He was Severus Snape. He was not supposed to do any sort of emotional display, not even with her. Specially not with her because he just could not risk to scare away the only person he cared about in the entire school.

She had not answer him and that was making him extremely uncomfortable. He had not say that he loved her or anything, but she was intelligent enough to take that out from what he had written.

He stood up and decided to go for a walk.

No more than five minutes have passed when he saw Lily walking towards him.

"Sev!" she waved smiling.

Ok. Relax. That's a good sing.

"Hi Lily" he said waving back.

"I was going to your house, how was your return?"

"Well, it is ok."

"Oh come, after the letter you wrote me I do not think that is the better sentence you can construct"

"Lily... about that letter... I do not want you to think that..."

"Don't worry. I am assuming that you got an emotional breakdown or something after the exams. But, I want you to know that you are also my best friend Sev, because I do not say it usually and... Well, I know things at school are not wonderful for you... I am sorry if I am not always there." she hugged him.

It was true that she was not always with him, lately, more often so since she was spending more time with her girlfriends. But he understood, it was perfectly normal. It was not good for him either to be seen with her at all times, since his Slytherin companion would start bumbling about blood purity and Merlin knows what.

The only thing he did was smiling and hugging her back.

"Let's go to our spot, shall we? I have brought a couple of sandwiches mum made, we can spend the afternoon there and celebrate the begging of the summer vacations."

It was nice to be with her, he thought. She did not judge him for his careless appearance or for being different from others, in exchange, he was not allowed to judge her for being a muggle-born, which in fact, he did not care at all. If it was not for that fact, he would have never made friends with her in the first place. They sat down in the grass and Lily handed the sandwich over. He bite it trying not to show how hungry he really was. "This is really nice" he said.

"I'm glad you like it." she smiled, "do you have any plans for the vacation?"

"Lily... you know that my situation at home..."

"Yes. Sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up..."

"No worries"

"Anyway, what I was trying to say" she looked at her feet "is that I am going to spend the next month in London with my cousin. She is a muggle and I felt that I need some time off the Wizarding World."

He understood what she really meant. She needed a time away from all the blood purity propoganda.

"That's very nice. You will have a great time there Lils."

"Sev, I want to invite you over."

"Today? I have just arrived home and..." "No. I mean... I want you to come with me in August. I have already told my cousin and she does not have any problem with me bringing friends."

"I..." he tried to consider all the pros and cons in his head. He was not very fond of muggle culture knowing his father, but on the other hand, he would be spending a month with Lily away from all the other school kids bothering him. The main problem was his parents and the money... "I don't think I'll have the money..."

"That's not a problem! My parents would take us there and we would be staying at my cousin's you won't need much money Sev. But you can say no if you want. I won't get offended or anything."

"I would really love to, but I don't know if it's going to be possible."

A sad glow appeared in the eyes of the girl "Well, we still have July to be together." and she smiled. Severus knew that she was also having a bad time at school. She and all the other muggle-borns, even him being a half-blood was to suffer from some of the propaganda that was being spread out around the school, mostly by the hands of his fellow Slytherin students. It was perfectly understandable that she wanted to forget about all of that for a while. And probably, it was best to let her truly forget about everything. In a sense, he was also part of it all.

"Anyway, if you don't come, I hope you keep on writing me those beautiful letters." she said teasing him.

He hoped his face was not as read as he thought.


	2. The time of our lives

Chapter 2 - The time of our lives

Severus was enjoying this summer like no one before. He was already old enough to ignore his father's yelling without breaking down and the weather was very nice.

It was a sunny day outside and him and Lily had been spending the day in a nearby lake. He was really disturbed, and pleasantly so, by the way Lily's body had change during the past years. She still had something from the sweet child's face that he had meet six years ago but she have grown several inches and... breasts, and hips, and legs... all beautifully combined.

They were heading back home with their hair dripping and towels in their hands.

"Do you want to come inside for a while?" she offered.

"Yes, of course." Even though he said of course, he rarely accepted that sort of invitations from Lily. He felt somehow weird going into the girl's house with her muggle parents and sister.

They entered the front door and Lily headed upstairs without saying anything, so he quietly followed her. Once they arrived to her room she closed the door and threw the towel on top of her bed. Severus let himself drop onto the floor near the bed.

"You can seat on the chair you know..."

"I like the floor."

"Ok... I'm going to change myself. My room is your room." she said while heading to the bathroom.

Severus looked at the beautiful room around him. It was nicely decorated. It had a very nice shelf attached to one of the walls which was packed with books and some photographs from Hogwarts. He got up to look at them more closely. There was a photo from their first year of them two together, several ones with some Gryffindor girls in Hogsmeade and one in the Gryffindor table where she was sitting next to James Potter, who was putting his arm around her while she tried to move away. Senseless hatred invaded Severus' stomach as she entered the room again.

"Are you looking at the pictures?"

"Yeah... why do you have a picture with Potter?"

"Well..." he could perceive how she blushed and how his chest ached when she did so "You know how the guys are and they were kidding... I don't know."

Severus went back again to sit on the floor. He could not understand how such a pretty and smart girl like Lily could actually have a crush on that douchebag.

"I don't like them you know..."

"I don't like your friends either Severus." she did not normally call him Severus. She was painfully right, she actually had more serious reasons not to like his friends. But it still hurt a lot that she liked a guy whose only purpose in live was to make fun of him. Was he really that unimportant to her?

"Whatever." he said coldly.

She sat on the bed. He remember how some years ago they used to lie together in the grass, very closely and hold hands and everything... but now that they were older and that innocence had been completely lost they could not do those things anymore. Yet he wanted to be sitting on the bed next to her without her thinking that he wanted something else, even though he actually did.

"Lils, you know that..."

"Sev, I don't want to talk about Wizarding World things now." she interrupted him, without knowing that he was not actually going to talk about that. He stayed quiet anyways. "Don't be upset."

"I'm not upset."

"Yes, you are."

"You cannot know."

"Of course I can, I can tell that you are upset."

He did not say anything during a couple of minutes that seemed like hours.

"Do you want to play chess?" she offered, and he nodded.

Playing chess was not something that Severus loved particularly. Lily had no patience at all and he always won, but he still enjoyed anything in her company.

* * *

Time has past faster than he expected and Lily has already left to spend a month with her cousin in London. Severus was happy for her, for being able to get away from her problems, something he could not do. It had been four horrible days since she had left, in which the only thing he did was wandering around the house trying not to bump into his father. In fact, he was actually avoiding both of his parents. Her mother looked sadder than usual and that made him feel really bad.

The door of his room opened suddenly making him jump.

"What are you doing kid?" his father shout at him. Severus knew that he was asking if he had been doing magic.

"I'm not doing anything."

"You stupid boy. Do you think you can fool me?" he took Severus by the neck. At first he was afraid but then, a sudden explosion of anger invaded him.

Severus pushed his father back and took his wand into his hand, pointing at the man in front of him.

"You have been asking this for so long!" he shouted.

"Severus!" that was his mother appearing at the door, kneeling next to her husband to help him stand up, who pushed her to a side. "What do you think you are doing?" he said in a very low but reproaching voice. He did not answer.

"You better learn how to control that kid of yours." his father said while leaving the room.

"Severus. You cannot do those things to your father. Did you do some magic?"

"Of course not mum. I'm not that stupid. I am still underage and I'm not going to give up on my studies for him..." being expelled was by far the worst thing that could happen to Severus.

"Well, good. you know he doesn't like it and he still lets you go to the school, so you should be grateful."

"What? You can't be serious mum... what he does to you..."

"Severus, be quiet please." she begged putting her hand over his. He pulled away.

"Leave me alone."

"Ok. I will. But behave please sweetheart." she closed the door behind her.

Stupid woman. How could she put up with him? Severus started hearing loud noises downstairs and his mother's painful cries.

That was it. He could not stand it any longer. He grabbed all his things, which were not much and put them in his trunk. He was leaving that crazy house of horrors. He went downstairs and saw both his parents in the kitchen. He was sitting at the table with a glass of booze. She was cleaning the counter, or pretending to do so.

"Where are you going?" Tobias asked.

"I am going away."

"Good."

"Severus? what do you meaning you are going away?" her mother said turning to face him.

"Do you want to come with me?" he had to say it. His voice came out really coldly and firm, but on the inside he was begging his mum to leave that stupid man and stop suffering once and for all.

"Let him leave! We will be better off." while he said that, tears started running down his mother's cheeks, and Severus knew she was never going to come with him, so he turned around and started heading to the door.

"Severus, please." she said, but he was already out of the door.


	3. I held you so close to me

Chapter 3 - I held you so close to me

He had been wandering around for a long while. He should have thought of bringing some food with him, and he did not have much money either. Given that Lily was not there were to go to stay in the neighborhood alone fearing that his father would find him, or go to London. (Hogsmeade would have been good but it was a really long trip). But, how was he going to go to London? He thought about muggle transport, he had some muggle money in his pocket but it was probably not enough. He decided to go to their spot. His father would not find him there and for now it was good weather, he could sleep there for now.

The following morning something woke him up. He opened his eyes and felt confused. Where was he? Oh yeah. And then he saw it, it was Lily's owl.

_Dear Sev,  
__I am having a wonderful time in London! There's many people and the shops, and the cafés, and everything. It is a wonderful city, I should come visit more often. My cousin doesn't spend much time with me because she is older and she goes out with her friends, but she is very nice, only that she thinks I'm crazy because my pet is an owl. My offer of you coming with me is still open! Hope you are ok and that you miss me. Love,  
__L._

That was the perfect chance for him to tell her what have happened and be able to go to London... it would be great to spend that time with Lily instead of living in the streets starving. But he hated telling the girl about his situation at home, not to mention that he would need her to lend him money. He took a quill out of his truck and started writing.

_Dearest Lily,  
__I am in a very bad situation at home. I would love to go with you but I do not think I have the money to go to London. I am sorry to ask you for this but I cannot go back home right now. Yours,  
__Severus._

He gave the short piece to the girl's owl and he flown away. Now the only thing he could do was waiting. He was horribly hungry and his back ached. He hoped that Lily really wanted to receive him, he would have love to be the type of friend that could offer her his help, his smile, and even give her some gifts from time to time... but he could not. It was always her and she had nevertheless stayed with him throughout the years.

It was starting to get dark when he saw Lily's owl approaching. It landed a lit bit far from Severus, but it was probably very tired. He ran to take the letter.

_I hope this has not been going on for long. I am sending you some money with the letter. Go to the muggle station and take the next train. I will be waiting for you in the station. Take Hermes with you instead of making him fly back please, he'll probably be very tired. He behaves very well, he won't give you problems.  
__A very angry and worried Lily._

He had done everything that she had told him and was sitting on the train with the bird in his lap and everyone was looking at him weirdly. He was a bit angry with her because she should not be angry, she should understand. Lily was the most understandable person of the entire world and he simply expected her to always be like that and not ask questions. But he knew that it was not going to be like that this time. She would ask questions and he would have to talk about the things that he most hated and was ashamed of in the entire world. He just simply did not want to show that part of his life to Lily.

When he moved out of the train he saw her sitting on a bench reading a book. He walked towards her very silently and put and hand on her shoulder. She jumped.

"Sev!" she stood up and hugged him making him lose balance. He hadn't eaten anything in almost two days and was feeling very weak. "Are you ok?"

"Yes, I'm just a little bit tired, I have not been eating much. But it's fine."

"No. It's not fine." she said while taking her owl and giving him a little bit of food. Severus wished he would be the bird. "You should have told me that things at your place where this bad. What happened?"

"Well... I had an argument with my father..."

"Oh, no, don't given me that. Everybody has arguments with his parents. Please, Sev." she put a hand on his arm and looked into his eyes with her very beautiful green spheres.

"Can I tell you when we are sitting down somewhere and I have eaten something, please?" he hated acting so weak, but he was actually weak, not only because of the food, but because of those eyes.

"Of course, yes. I'm sorry. I... I am worried about you. You just never tell me what is going on." she took his truck and started walking in the crowd.

"You don't need to help me out with that..." he said while following her.

"Ssshh..."

They went outside and there was a woman inside a car waiting for them.

"Hello" she said with a big smile in her face "I'm glad you finally decided to join us, Lily was complaining all the time about you not wanting to come with her. My name is Susan, nice to meet you." while she was saying all of that, Lily was putting his things on the trunk and he entered the car.

"Nice to meet you too, I'm Severus."

* * *

After having some dinner, Susan told them that she was going out with her friends and invited them. Lily declined the offer saying that they had to catch up on many things. So they sat on the sofa and Lily looked at him, inviting him to tell her what was really going on. _Come Severus, breath, if you say it fast, and once and for all, you won't have to say it ever again._

"My father beats my mother, and me too, sometimes... I am tired of it all. Of the pain, of the screams, my mother crying, him being drunk... I just had to leave the house. I am sorry for bothering you Lily." she stood in front of him, not moving a single muscle. It took her almost a minute to react.

"How can you tell me that you are sorry? Oh God, Sev. You should have told me earlier."

"You couldn't do anything. And I couldn't either."

"But still..." she hugged him and rested her head on his shoulder. "I am your friend and I don't want bad things to happen to you."

He was holding her so close to him. It seemed like the perfect moment to tell her that he loved her. What would happen if he kissed her? Would she think that he was only friends with her because he wanted something else? They stayed like that for a long while without saying anything, until she fell asleep resting her head on Severus' lap.


	4. As I begin to lose my grip

**This chapter is a little bit shorter but I hope you enjoy it anyways because from here on things start to be more interesting (I hope!). Also, I am not a native speaker so I am very sorry about my typos and grammar mistakes, I have corrected the ones I could find. And thank you for reading! :)**

Chapter 4 - As I begin to lose my grip

During the weeks he spent with Lily in London he developed a little bit more of a liking for muggles. He had manage to almost forget about the stupid and rising Dark Lord, his Slytherin friends and even about Potter and his friends. They went out almost everyday, he loved going to the park, going to see muggle shops, bars and libraries. It was actually somehow magic, but of course, it could have just be Lily's presence next to , a new academic year was beginning and such as always, they would have to part different ways after going off the Hogwarts Express, and that summer magic would be completely over.

Susan had just drop them into the station and they were going into Platform 9 and 3/4. For some reason Severus was very nervous.

"Oh, there is Mary. I am going to say hello. Will you wait for me around here so we can take a compartment together? I'll be right back."

And there it was. Going back to the normal live where Severus was just a socially awkward kid that only talked to some creepy guys interested in the Dark Arts besides Lily, who was a smart, pretty girl that everybody like. Everybody except his creepy friends of course.

When she came back smiling, they entered the train and chose an empty compartment. He looked through the window at the station and saw several familiar faces and had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he really wanted to go back to Hogwarts and spend hours on end in its magnificent library with Lily, on the other, there were so many people around that he did not feel like seeing again at all.

"I am really exited about going back and catching up with the girls and everything." Lily said smiling.

"Lils, you can go talk them if you want." he smiled back.

"Oh, no. Come on... this is our tradition, going together in the train. Even though you know I love gossiping with my girlfriends, I wouldn't break our traditions." she said very solemnly.

* * *

When they arrived at the station, the took their things and went down the train preparing to move in different directions. Severus felt someone right behind his back.

"I'm still not very fond of you spending your time with that little mudblood of yours, you know?"

"Hello to you too Avery, I had a wonderful vacation, thank you."

"What are you looking at scum?" Avery was looking over Severus' shoulder. He turned around and there was Lily.

"Oh come on Avery, let's just not begin the year hexing people, ok?" intervened Mulciber, "You should know better, when you are shagging some bird you need to talk to them from time to time."

"Yeah… he does not know because he is not getting much, are you Avery?" Snape said faking a laugh. He knew Lily was listening, but that was the best he could do to turn the conversation around to Avery's lack of experience with girls. Not that he had any himself.

He entered the carriages with his Slytherin companions and left Lily to find some of her fellow Gryffindor students. Definitely the house division had not been a very wise idea from part of the founders, it only served for creating stupid rivalries and hatred. While they move towards Hogwarts the conversation went towards what it was obviously going to go.

"So, have you been able to keep contact with someone from the inside Snape?"

"No... not really. I have had a weird summer." only that instead of weird it have been wonderful. "I lost contact with many people."

"You should not lose contact with some important people. This is going big, you know, and it is awesome that they want us with them. We will be able to be very powerful wizards." said Mulciber with glowing eyes.

Severus had been trying for a while not to get involved in the suggestions and offers that these guys would make him, but he could see how this has become the place he somehow had to be, and to be honest, he was also interested in the Dark Arts, and of course, there was the supposedly Slytherin cunning, hearing the word "powerful" definitely had an effect on the young man. They finally entered the Great Hall and sat on their tables. The smell of the place relaxed him and he looked at Lily looking for a knowing smile, but when their eyes met, Lily was serious and instead of smiling, she bit her lip and looked away.

Lily had this effect on him that whenever he felt like falling down a cliff she has there, to help him, to save him from falling, but Severus was starting to feel that he was beginning to lose grip.


	5. Snape's worst memory

**Thanks very much to all the reviews, I am very happy that you are enjoying my story. **

**Disclaimer: This chapter includes parts taken from the original books, which I have written in italics. **

Chapter 5 - Snape's worst memory

Severus was sitting in a corner in the library studying for their midterms. He had been having problems with concentration during the last months and he was afraid of lowering his grades so he had been devoting more time to study. Lily had been more distant with him since they had arrived at Hogwarts because of what she heard him say the first day. Severus had told her that he did that to protect her, to make them forget about her, but of course, that did not seem like enough in the girl's opinion. It seemed impossible to Severus that the stupid girl that was keen on not trusting him and preferred to make herself pretty for Potter was the same one that had helped him so much during the summer, and it was making him more bitter and angry every second.

He was tired, desperate and not being able to retain anything from what he was reading again and again. He decided to go outside for a little bit, a little bit of fresh air wouldn't hurt him. He put all his things inside his bag and went out the library and started walking towards the lake. There were many people outside as it was fairly good weather for the end of October. He saw Lily sitting by the lake with some other girls and then, too late, he saw Potter and Black.

* * *

_Many people in the small crowd cheered; Sirius, James and Wormtail roared with laughter._

_Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, "Let him down!"_

"_Certainly,! said James and he jerked his wand upwards, Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Sirius said, "Petrifucus Totalus!" and Snape kneeled over again, rigid as a board. _

"_LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own want out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily. "Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly._

"_Take the curse off him, then!"_

_James sighed deeply, the turned to Snape and muttered the counter-curse._

"_There you go," he said, as Snape struggle to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus -"_

"_I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"_

_Lily blinked. _

"_Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in the future."_

* * *

Severus was walking up and down his room in the Slytherin dungeons angrier than he had ever been in his entire life. He had not intended to say that to Lily, not her, not now, not ever. She... she was only trying to help him, right? But then, Severus could not help thinking that deep that she was showing off in front of Potter. It took him almost half and hour to decide that he needed to go talk to Lily. This one could be his last opportunity not to fall down a cliff, without her by his side.

He walked towards the Gryffindor common room and stayed in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Could you let me in? This is important."

"Password." she answered.

"Please, I don't have the password I-"

"I cannot let you in without the password."

Severus sat next to it in desperation, maybe someone would come... He prayed to whatever God there was that if someone came, it wouldn't be Potter and his friends.

After sitting there from what seemed like hours he saw a girl approaching that he knew was friends with Lily, or at least, he had seen her with her before.

"Hey!" he said.

"What do you want? What are you doing here?" she said stepping away from him and seemingly scared, or disgusted, or both.

"Please, please, I need to talk to Lily."

"Well, I don't think she wants to talk to you." that was definitely disgust.

"But I need to. I really do. Can you please tell her that I am here?"

"Look. She will not come down just to talk to you after what happened this afternoon." so she knew...

"I'll sleep here. I swear. Please, tell her to come talk to me."

"You can't sleep here on the floor!"

"Yes, I can. I will. Please."

"Ok. I'll tell her." said the girl while facing the portrait. She said the password in a really low voice and quickly past through it.

Endlessly minutes had past when he finally saw Lily appearing through the portrait.

"Lily."

"What on earth do you want?" she said almost whispering. Severus realised her eyes were red from crying and his heart gave a painful flinched.

"_I'm sorry."_

"_I'm not interested."_

"_I'm sorry!"_

"_Save your breath. I only cam because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."_

"_I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-"_

"Are you going to tell me again that it was to protect me? Because I really do not think so."

"Lily... you have to understand... This is so difficult for me."

"What?" her voice was not low anymore. "For you? Don't you think it is also for me? Everybody told me I was crazy for even talking to you. And now? Do you know what I have been doing all day? I have been hearing the stupid and painful sentence "I told you" at least a hundred times!"

"Lily, I..." he did not know what to say anymore. He had been telling himself he needed to fight for her, and know, he felt he could not do anything anymore. He had been fooling himself, it was already too late. Lily sat on the stairs.

"This is very difficult... Very. I am afraid of what is happening. I am afraid of your friends. I am afraid of you."

"You don't have to be afraid of me!" his voice trembled and he hated himself.

"Look Severus. You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine. Our friendship does not work. It can't." she stood up and moved towards the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"No, Lily. Don't, wait. Please." he grabbed her by the waist. He did not even know what he was doing. He could not tell her anything else, she was right but at the same time she was everything he had. Everything good. Of course he had his Slytherin friends and their cunning promises but...

Lily turned around slowly. It seemed as if her beautiful green eyes were reflecting all the sadness of the world. He moved nearer her and hugged her. He could feel how she was feeling uncomfortable and he started crying quietly. She had never seen him crying ever before. They moved apart and when Severus was prepared to leave, to move away from her forever she stepped closer to him and pressed her lips to his. Severus stayed still, his brain incapable of making any sort of connection. It only lasted for two seconds, maybe three. Then, she moved away and reentered her common room.


	6. There she goes, my beautiful world

Chapter 6 - There she goes, my beautiful world

It was the Halloween party. Severus was sitting with his Slytherin friends in a lonely table in a corner, talking about something that did not really interested him much, until they said her name.

"What?"

"I said that it was good that you cut your relationship with that mudblood. It was about time that you let her know what we think about them." Avery was looking at the door of the Hall while talking, so Severus assumed that the conversation had started because she was somewhere over there.

He turned around, and just as he feared, there was Lily with Potter. She was wearing a beautiful yellow dress, too cheerful for Severu's taste. The kiss she had gave him some days ago was driving him mad. He could not stop thinking about it, not even for a complete minute. At some point in the night, Potter and Black stand up and make a sign towards the door, probably because they want to go outside to smoke, she doubts between following them or staying, because she had notice that Severus is staring at her, in fact, they had directly looked at each other several times since she had arrived. The two boys leave Lily alone and as soon as they are out of sight, she abruptly leaves the Great Hall. Severus stands up and goes after her. She is running through a corridor, knowing he is walking after her.

"Lily" he says and receives no answer. "Lily, if you did not want me to follow you, you would have gone outside with your … with Potter. What are you playing at?"

She stopped but did not turn around.

"I am really mad at you, you know?" she whispered.

"Of course I know but I have already told you that I…"

"Don't. Don't go again all sorry and…" he grabbed her arm to make her turn around, "Don't touch me Severus!"

"Fine, don't touch you." he sighed, "I just want to ask you why did you kiss me? Was it a way of making me feel worse? Because it's working. It is really driving me mad." tears began to form in his eyes but he tried to pushed them back.

"I don't know… I realised that I was going to lose you forever and... I panicked!"

"You will never lose me Lily."

"Sev, I have already lost you…" she turned around with a glance that make Severus' chest ached.

"No. You know it is not true."

"It is… Severus, there is a war coming up and we are not going to pick the same sides, I have already told you and you know that. I need to… I want to be with people who think like me, who do not think that muggle borns are not worthy of this." she pointed at her wand.

"So that is what you are pairing up with Potter?"

"Mostly."

"If you are looking for a good guy I'm not sure he is the type you know?"

"Because of course you know a lot about bad guys."

"Yes. I do. And I know that I do not want to be one of them."

"It does not look like that to me." she started crying "You have no idea how much I would like you to be on my side."

"Well, Lily you know there are certain times in which you have to say certain things that you do not mean to keep the ones you love save, and that does not make you good or evil."

"But I do not want you lying. I do not want this happening. I do not want this war. I do not. I… I really wish I was never I witch."

"Don't say that. You are really talented, and you know that." in the mind of the boy, she was actually wishing she had never met him.

"Why is this happening to us?" she was crying and shaking. It hurt Severus so much… but he could not do anything, not anymore.

"I don't know." he rested his weight into a wall, "I guess that people get obsessed over power and…"

"No. Not the war."

He looked at her. At her beautiful face disrupted with tears and a hot pink tone. He could not help but remember how he felt when she kissed him. How much he wished to kiss her again. How much he wished the kiss had been more meaningful. But she probably would not want to, it was clear enough that she did not love him and even if she had at some point, she did not anymore.

This was the opportunity that the world had given Severus Snape to show that he was not a bad guy. He just had to leave her alone and stop bothering her bringing her problems. If he stopped being friends with her it was likely that his Slytherin friends would not pay so much attention to her in particular. This was it. He just had to put her before his own feelings and just go away.

"I am sorry Lily. I truly am. For everything." he turned around, tears falling from his face.

"What the hell is going on here?" said Potter's voice behind him.

Severus turned around and found both Black and Potter pointing at him with their wands. She moved towards them.

"James, it is ok. Don't worry about him. It's Halloween, let's just enjoy the party." the boy doubted but ended up lowering his wand and following the girl who was pulling him by the arm.

"Ok." he said, not very convinced, "Come on Pads" he added as he hit the other boy in the shoulder.

Lily did not look back.


	7. So near yet so far

Chapter 7 - So near yet so far

Severus sat in the Slytherin table to have breakfast. It was a very early Saturday morning so there was almost no one in the Great Hall. Four days had already past since his last little chat with Lily. He could not help to look for her eyes in the Gryffindor table as he had always done, receiving back a beautiful smile from the red head, but this was not going to happen anymore.

He concentrated on putting some jam on top of a piece of toast. He was not really hungry but he had not eaten much during the past day and he had to forced something into his stomach if he did not want to start fainting. Suddenly, an owl threw a piece of parchment in front of him. He looked up and it was an unknown owl. Confused and intrigued he took the letter in his hands and saw a very familiar writing.

_Severus, _

_I do not even know why I'm daring to write this to you. First of, I am using one of the school owls because I did not want people to know I was writing to you. Second, I have been thinking a lot about our fight.. about the war and everything. There's people dying Sev, did you read the papers yesterday? Three muggle-borns were killed. This really scares me... The thing is that, I do not want this stupid confrontation to be the reason for us to stop being friends. I think that it would be like giving up, like saying that it is actually not possible for two people who are different to be friends and stay together. I would love to be able to show the world that Gryffindors and Slytherins can make friends, that muggle-borns and pure-bloods are not so different... But, I need to know if you really think the same or not, because I am still very hurt because of what you said the other day to me. _

_I hope you understand that it is not a good time for us to talk on the corridors, as you said, and you were right, there are certain things that you have to do to protect the ones you love (or yourself) save. The thing is that I miss talking to you. _

_Please, if you feel the same way and you think that we can actually break the barriers between us write me back, if you do not, just pretend I never wrote this letter. _

_p.s.: I am sorry about that kiss. I did not really want to hurt you or anything... I was just overwhelmed by the situation and I guess got confused with my feelings. I am really really ashamed for having done that. I hope that won't change things between us._

_love, Lily. _

He felt the childish urge to run towards the Gryffindor tower, wait for her to come out the portrait and shut his love to the world. Tell her that there was nothing in the world that he wanted more than her kissing him. But that was just not the right thing to do. As the nice guy he was, he would respect her and accept that it has just been, as she said, a mix of feelings. At least, she still wanted to be friends with him, and that was more than what he had hoped for. He could not help but to smile while writing the letter back.

_Dearest Lily, _

_Do not doubt for even one second that I also think that our friendship is worth more than any stupid war. I already told you that you are very important to me. As you wisely pointed out, it is not the best of ideas to be seen together in these days. I do not know how things are going to turn out and the last thing I want is for you to be in danger. Nevertheless, I would be really happy to keep in contact with you in any way possible. Are you staying here for Christmas? There would still be people, but not so many, and maybe we could find some time to talk face to face then. _

_S._

Just as he was finishing the writing his letter he saw a bunch of Gryffindors enter the Great Hall, among them was Lily, talking to the girl who he had spoken to the day he went to the Gryffindor tower, the day Lily kissed him. But of course, that has just been a stupid thing. Severus had to tell himself that it did not mean anything. And behind them there was Potter and his crew.

He could see how she briefly looked at him to see if he had received her letter. Severus wanted to smile at her but instead he look down at the table and went back to his breakfast, he was still not hungry at all. He put his hand inside his pocket to touch the letter that Lily had just sent him, to feel her near him, even though they were still too far apart from each other.


	8. Play with fire

Chapter 8 – Play with fire

Severus was studying in the library sitting in the area where he used to sit with Lily, who, by the way, was also sitting two tables away from him, with Potter at her side.

Professor Binns have told them to read a couple of chapters from the course book and Severus planned on going to the library to read the entire book given he had nothing else to do. He was skimming through the pages as he realised that he was not going to be able to read the entire anything. The thought of having Lily almost next to him studying with the stupid Potter, who had never been seen before in the library as far as the boy knew, was too much for his brain to be working properly.

Three days have passed since he had sent the reply back to Lily and he had not receive any answer. Did that mean that she was accepting his suggestion of staying at Hogwarts during the Christmas holidays so they would have more time alone to talk? Now, it seemed to him like the most stupid suggestion. She, Lily, who had a loving family and a place where to spend Christmas with her loved ones was really not going to stay at Hogwarts, was she? He was starting to awfully regret having answer her letter. He had told himself that what he had too do was just stay away from her because she was right, they were to end up in opposites sides in the war and there was nothing he could do for her keeping her by his side.

The dark haired boy got up from the table, leaving his things there, determined to come back later and try to actually do something. He went back to his dorm planning on lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

* * *

When he went back to the library at dinner time there was nobody there, so he quietly went back to his spot and sit down. He was beginning to read the first paragraph when he heard a noise behind him and turned around.

"Hello" said Lily "Can I please sit down?"

"Of course."

"I... I have received your answer." she said after having sitted next to Severus.

"I guessed." then, there was an awkward silence. Was that everything that she had to say? It could not possibly be. "Why hadn't you answered me back?"

"I don't know... I think I did not really expected you to answer me... but I felt better if it wasn't on me to end up our friendship you know... I wanted to write that to convince myself that it was not my fault that we are breaking apart, but seems that you are insisting on proving me wrong there." she did not look at the boy in eye.

"You are not wrong. But you are not right either... I don't think is neither your fault or mine. Look, if you did not really meant what you wrote…"

"No!" she jumped, abruptly looking into Severus' eyes causing his heart to jump "I mean it... Specially the part where I said I am afraid."

"Lily, I would really do anything to be able to keep you safe, to keep your friendship... to keep you with me." He moved a few inches closer to her. Severus knew that this was not at all the way that he had planned to declared his love for the girl but it was all there was to it. He kissed Lily and felt the warmth of her lips to his, it was just a simple touch but nevertheless, he hoped that she could understand how meaningful it was for him. Suddenly, she broke apart.

"What are you doing?" she whispered, looking alarmed.

"Lily... I... I'm sorry. I had the stupid thought that maybe…"

"Severus, I want things between us to be good and I think you should know that I am dating James." she said, looking away from him again.

"Oh, of course you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Sev..."

"Why Lily? Just tell me why. Why do you prefer him to me?"

For a long time she did not answer, she just stood there staring into space.

Seeing that conversation was not taking them anywhere, Severus started to collect his things and stood up to move out of the library, to be as far away from her as he could. But just as he turned around he heard the girl saying something.

"Pardon me?" he asked, turning back around to face Lily, who was now standing up in front of him with her amazing green eyes wide open staring right into his eyes. Too close.

"I have never said that I prefer him."

As she leaned closer, he dropped all his things to the floor and took the girl in an embrace, kissing her with much less innocence than before, intertwining her beautiful fiery hair with his fingers.


End file.
